Missing the Point of Human Existence

Another list (because I'm a lazy writer).

1. I feel like my writing skills have gone down the tube, because I haven't had to write much, in terms of school papers. I also used to be an avid journal-writer, but I got sick of my own naggy voice and the lists! I wrote in them (lazy). But oh, if I could write a blog a day, plus a letter to a friend (short emails have given way to even shorter facebook comments), plus a few creative lines in a notebook, I think I would be much happier, if I could get over my laziness. 

2. Where does laziness come from? Is it genetic? Environmental? I'm convinced that Psychology, Neuroscience and Physics can explain everything. I think I spent so much time being lazy as a child (all I did was read and watch t.v.) that it built pathways in my brain for "laziness" and now trying to change those pathways is difficult. And objects at rest want to stay at rest/objects in motion want to stay in motion. I think we will always choose the path of least resistance. So in order to change these pathways I'd have to practice not being lazy for a set amount of time everyday for a month (isn't that how long it takes to form a new habit?). I know I can do this--I've changed my behavior in other ways lately: putting clothes away after I wear them instead of draping them over a chair in my room (I got rid of the chair). I've also been watching less t.v. too.

3. Yes! Less T.V.! Believe it or not it was an Oprah episode on T. V. that made me think twice about my habit. There was an episode about simplifying your life, and one suggestion was to create physical and mental space: i.e. watching less t.v. and cleaning out clutter. So for one day I didn't watch t.v. and it was great! I listened to This American Life online instead (four hours worth, which I guess is another time-sucking activity, but not as bad as t.v.), and listened to music (easy activities with a newborn). Also, brother H's recent visit introduced me to the wonders of watching t.v. shows/movies selectively on Hulu and Netflix. So now I am watching less t.v. (maybe 0-1 hours per day), and listening more. I found myself getting antsy watching my favorite thursday night shows (The Office, 30 Rock, Kath/Kim) last week because they weren't as interesting as listening to T.A.L., which I think is better for my ADD brain then television...

Also, since I have a kid now, I'm more aware of the negative messages/images on t.v. I can't stand the noise of commercials (stop shouting at me, Billy Mays!) or seeing a dead, bloody body each time I turn the channel. What does this do to our psychological state (subconsciously?). Also, I'm convinced that the rapid images and loud sounds on t.v. can cause ADD/ADHD/and autism.

4. I think this is a good time of year to create space. I love Lent because it's a time of reflection, and trying to eliminate the superfluous junk from your life. Every year I try to do something Lenten, whether it's reading some sort of spiritual-themed book or trying to eliminate a bad habit (I never quite do well with these, but it's the thought that counts, right?). I haven't missed Ash Wednesday mass in the last 5 years because I go to the Gonzaga student mass at 10pm, which has been led by this amazing priest there, who gave the best sermons I've ever heard. He basically recycled the same sermon every year, and every year I would take notes in my journal because they were that interesting and uplifting (I miss mass most of the year b/c of bad priests/sermons). He said things like "To fast means to 'fasten' yourself to something you enjoy, or something that will make your life better." There was no fire and brimstone, no guilt in his sermon, just uplifting ideas. The idea he was getting across was the same as Oprah's: if you eliminate stupid stuff from your life you create space for better and greater things.

5. Speaking of Oprah and Lent, I've been skimming Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. I've been skimming it because a lot of it repeats itself (okay we get it: the ego is bad!) and some of it is just made-up b.s. with no research behind it (okay if you're a spiritual advisor, I guess). But I've written down a few things that I think are right on, such as his definition of sin (which I've always thought was a problematic word. I think religious institutions want you to think sinning equals eliminating the fun things from life such as dancing, drinking, having sex, swearing, etc.). But here's the best and most satisfying definition I've ever heard: 

(from Greek): "To miss the mark, as an archer who misses the target, so to sin means to miss the point of human existence. It means to live unskillfully, blindly, and thus to suffer and cause suffering" (pg. 9).

Wow, isn't this ironic? He seems to be describing the history and present state of the Catholic Church (and other world religions as well). 

I also like this:

"Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side: life will not be helpful....

When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence" (pg. 58).

Okay, as a side note I have to admit I read cheesy books by Wayne Dyer and Sonia Choquette, but this statement above is similar to quotes I have written down from the above new-age authors. Here's something I wrote in my notebook from WD's The Power of Intention and Your Heart's Desire by SC: 

"You attract what you focus on."

Meaning, if you focus on the negative aspects of your life (I'll never get my dream job/house/spouse...) you attract that negative energy from the universe and you will never find your dream job/house/spouse. But if you focus and imagine in your mind's eye positive things (like visualizing your perfect house or state of health, etc) you will attract those things.

To me, this makes a lot of sense. I'm realizing that during the past few years I've been a negative person (again, I think t.v. adds to my negative emotions). But since baby E (I swear I visualized having a baby and it worked! I was convinced for a while I was infertile....) I've tried to be more positive, even if I feel tired or crappy or crabby. 

My last post was very negative and crabby. I'm also realizing that my ego gets in the way a lot. I think if I focus less on the product (making great art/publishing/showing at galleries...) and more on the process, it won't matter if my work never leaves the house. Rushmore is one of my favorite movies because of what Max Fisher says towards the beginning: "Find something you love to do and do it for the rest of your life. For me that's going to Rushmore." Now I have to find my Rushmore.

Anyway, I've babbled for too long. These are just some of the things I've been thinking about lately.

In a Parallel Universe I Would....

So a few weeks ago I thought I solved the work/stay-at-home debate. But when you need money, what do you do?

We're doing fine, actually, but I want to feel like I'm contributing to the family income. I know I contribute in non-monetary ways (like taking care of cute little E), but I would feel better if I could help with bills, diapers, and dog food (etc.). Some of it too is wanting to stay involved, to be on some sort of career track. But what career track is that? I've spent the last ten years lazing around--not working hard enough to be a better private lesson teacher (I feel like I'm only operating at 10% of my potential), not trying hard enough during grad school (out of several student performance hours and composition recitals I only prepared one of my pieces for performance. Sad! Most of that came from the fear of putting my music out there)---not trying hard enough during grad school and therefore not getting all the teaching experience I wanted--teaching experience that is crucial for wanting to teach college-level courses later.

How have I futzed away 10 years? How do I get out of this rut? 

I had this weird vision last night while watching "Me and You and Everyone We Know" (I liked it! It was weird--I had to watch it twice), which features a woman who does bizarre digital art and tries to submit her work to a contemporary art museum (and succeeds). I tried to picture in my mind what my art would look like if the New York Times did an article about it. I visualized the article, and saw my name in print, but I knew deep down that this could happen only in a parallel universe--or with a crazy amount of hard work, risk-taking, good timing, luck, and meeting the right people. Have you been in a position where you've seen art or writing and you're like, "I can write better than that!" Or, "God, I'll never be able to write/make art like that!" I feel like that's where I am--knowing I can create something beautiful but not knowing how to get there from here, or knowing if it's worthwhile. Seriously, how many writers and artists and composers can the world handle? Don't we have too many (bad ones) all ready? Is it worth the hassle of writing something and trying to get it published (which may never happen)? Does a piece of art not really exist unless someone looks at it, reads it, or listens to it? What if you just made stuff, and no one, outside of yourself ever saw it/heard it/read it? Should you try to sell your art or just make it? Are you an artist if your paintings never leave the house?

I'm thinking about these issues because it would be great to sit here and write/make art while baby sleeps and send it off to get it published and get a nice little paycheck to help buy the dog food and diapers. But even if I write and write until my eyeballs fall out and my fingers cramp up--I'm not guaranteed any money for my hard work. What are your options as a stay-at-home mom? What are your options for staying on some sort of career track? 

The Sorceress

On Friday the 13th I managed to sneak out of the house for a few hours to go to an Evelyn Glennie concert. K had ordered tickets about a year ago, before little E came into existence; K stayed home with the little munchkin while a girlfriend and I went out to see the show.

Many of you may know about my E.G. obsession. Ever since seeing Touch the Sound, a documentary about her, I've been dying to see her perform live. E.G. is a virtuoso percussionist from Scotland who also happens to be profoundly deaf. If you haven't seen this film, Netflix it straight away. When I taught my humanities class a few years ago, I showed clips of this film to the students. Afterwards a student came up to me and said this movie made her want to do something with her life (it makes me feel that way too).

I was hoping for a 5-hour percussion orgy onstage, but alas--she only played on two pieces with the Symphony. The pieces were amazing though--one was Webern's Langsamer Satz (which wasn't as atonal as I was expecting it to be) and Schwantner's Concerto for Percussion and Orchestra (which was amazing a haunting but too short--I thought she had just ended the first movement when the audience started clapping). 

She came out in an elegant, plain sapphire blue dress and artistic-looking necklace; her hair was long and silvery and she wore funky glasses. She plays barefoot so she can hear the vibrations through her feet. Her playing was so powerful--she was like a sorceress drawing out energy from the earth through large bass drums, the marimba, crotales, gongs, the vibraphone, and other miscellaneous percussion. It was also incredibly perfect--every flam and shake and rattle was crisp and clear, like what tap dancers strive for. The marimba part in the concerto was crazy--super fast and repetitive over quite a few measures. I wondered--how is it that her arms don't fall off? Or stop or lag from exhaustion? But they were supple and elastic--almost supernatural. 

The most beautiful thing about it all was the way she used her whole body while playing. It was all like a dance--visually and aurally stunning. She was amazing to watch and listen to. That's what I've noticed about truly great musicians--they use their whole bodies. At the university I attended I was friends with a Japanese girl who was a piano performance major. She was only 22 I think, but watching her perform was like watching a much older and experienced pianist. She moved with the music, throwing her whole torso into Beethoven's allegros, her arms floating during the adagios.  I had never seen anyone play that way, especially someone around my own age. And I think her movements made a difference in her playing--she had the most nuanced and beautiful sound out of any student (or professional for that matter,) I'd seen live. If I could learn how to use my body like that, I think my own playing would improve greatly. Instead I feel stiff and often have problems with sore wrists and back. How do they do it?

Is it too late for me to become a percussionist? What I love about it is that you aren't limited to one instrument, but you have so many different ones to choose from--the melodic  instruments (marimba, vibraphone, etc.), and the pitched/non-pitched membranophones (I think that's what they're called). You also have household objects and your body to use as an instrument. There are also limitless objects to strike the instruments--mallets, wands, sticks, hands....

My percussion instructor at the university didn't take me seriously when I told him I wanted to start over as a percussionist. I felt such power holding mallets--similar to how I feel when I hold a paintbrush. Maybe that's what holding a magic wand is like. 

What I was also thinking during her performance--she could kick any guy's ass if it came down to a drum-off. She's faster, more graceful, and more powerful. I do worry that girls are discouraged from playing the more loud, aggressive, fun, percussion instruments in schools. In our percussion ensemble the girls were almost always assigned the triangle or shakers--never the quad drums or the snare. Maybe that was just my perception (I was only in the ensemble for a year)--but I do wonder if girls are discouraged more than encouraged to play these instruments.

Anyway, check out Touch the Sound--she's amazing.

Eyebrows!

Baby is sleeping. Dog is sleeping.

A quick random post:

1. At the dentist's office yesterday, the hygienist told me I have a geographic tongue. I wonder if this says anything about my own tendencies to wander?

2. Right now I'm listening to Geographer. Gorgeous music--the male lead singer has the most beautiful voice I've heard in a band. Also Elliot likes it--I think that's why he's been sleeping so long. 

The last show our band, The Triumphant Returns, played was a show in Seattle with Geographer. That's how I heard about them. I got a chance to chat with the lead singer, who was very nice. I can't remember much about the conversation but he did tell me the drummer went to the Berklee School of Music and that they are from San Francisco.

 

That's what I miss most about being in a band--talking to the other bands you play with. This night was especially great for talking to other musicians and audience members. The bar was packed and sweaty, and I was tired but it was a great way to say goodbye to the Triumphant Returns.

At this show, back in June? I got hit on by a young 20-something guy from Cornish School of the Arts. He must have not noticed my ring finger or slightly protruding belly. I had to enlighten him on my status. He was cute and kinda nice yet kinda icky--he only talked to me when his girlfriend went to the bathroom. He also dissed Spokane ("why would anyone want to live there?"). But when he found out my matronly status he was a lot nicer and wished me well.

3. I'm obsessed with eyebrows now. I picked up the February issue of Vogue at the grocery store, which I never do--I'm usually not into that arrogant, over-the-top fashion stuff, but for some reason I started noticing models' eyebrows and how lovely they looked (weird!). I'm now growing out my poorly tweezed eyebrows so I can get a "professional" eyebrow wax. 

I'm also watching Gossip Girl on the CW channel--not for the writing or content (which is pretty stupid actually--it's about rich teens who go to an elite Manhattan private school)--but for the well-waxed eyebrows and great fashion. I know! What's wrong with me?

4. Speaking of fashion, I've also been looking at The Sartorialist. I feel like I want to be more stylish, and I'm learning that it's all about your accessories: a great (big) handbag, a fabulous necklace or bracelet that provides a focal point, crazy-looking sandals or boots, a scarf draped artistically around your shoulders, a simple haircut, and excellent eyebrows! 

5. For details on my labor/birth, and on the little one write or call me. Too much info to write here. 

6. I'm enjoying listening to music and watching T.V. with the sound off. The New Yankee Workshop and Bob Ross on PBS are excellent for this purpose. Also, we have a new movie channel here, that plays super random movies that no one has heard of ( a ski movie from the 80's, a movie with Ruth Gordon punching a man dressed as a gorilla in the crotch, many Burt Reynolds movies, etc.). This has also been entertaining.

7. It's probably a good thing newborns are so challenging--otherwise we wouldn't want them to grow up. They are so cute and snuggly....and difficult.

8. I'm wondering about the stay-at-home/go-back-to-work debate that mothers have. I don't actually think this dichotomy exists anymore for me.  Your children are babies for such a short amount of time--it seems like a drop in the bucket in the ocean of your lifespan. I want to hold Elliot as much as possible before he is too old and big, which will happen soon I'm afraid.

9. Reading: Best American Short Stories; Sounding the Inner Landscape (a book on music as medicine), Ted Kooser's Delights and Shadows.

10. The further away from school I get the more I love music. I mean really love it.

The last posting of 2008!

Ah snow.

Snow, snow, more snow. And then some. 

How many inches have accumulated here in the last 2 weeks? Fifty inches or more? I've lost track. All I know is that I've been trapped in the house, afraid to venture out. Spokane's plowing system isn't the most efficient, and people here don't like to shovel their sidewalks. I have taken a few slow waddly walks and taken the bus downtown twice (on Christmas Eve and today for a few hours). But mostly I've been watching cooking shows on PBS, Oprah, and misc. bad yet strangely compelling shows on the CW--Gossip Girl/90210/Privileged. I've also been crocheting, baking, and reading too: Ellen Klages' The Green Glass Sea and White Sands, Red Menace (thanks J! Love them). Baking: I made aniseplatzchen, pfeffernuse, janhagels (all from the Great Cookies cookbook by Carole Walter) and orange rolls for Christmas brunch. The aniseplatzchen was amazing and also a sort of culinary mystery: you whip 3 eggs with sugar for 50 minutes straight and you come out with these merengue-y cookies that separate into two layers--a crunchy outer layer and a soft inner layer. Amazing! But I don't recommend them unless you have a stand mixer.

A few interesting things to note: a few weeks ago, when we were walking Zuzu before the snowstorm hit, as we were walking by a neighbor's house, we noticed a strange sight: a baby kangaroo was bouncing around their fenced-in yard, wearing a red t-shirt. We thought--what the hell? It has to be illegal to own a kangaroo here. So we contacted Spokanimal, just in case (these same people keep a big black lab chained up outside all the time, with a tiny little doghouse--poor guy). Turns out that this kangaroo is known as a "Wallaroo" and is somewhat legal? as long as you register it? I don't know--sounds weird to me (what is that poor baby doing now with all the snow?). Zuzu was very curious--it's not a cat or a dog or a squirrel or a bird--so what the hell is it? 

Also: a bunch of mysterious white feathers strewn all over our back yard....(before the snow).

What else? Just waiting for this wiggly baby to squirm out.

Europe will be more fun without you

"For me, 'high' is a place--and sometimes I want to go there." 

So started Rick Steves' talk about the legalization of marijuana--a lecture entitled "Marijuana: It's Time for a Conversation."

How could I not go to this? It was free and featured my favorite PBS travel guide--someone I had spent late nights with in Rome, Paris, Croatia--someone who wears his signature black backpack and pleated khaki pants, his George H.W. wire-rimmed glasses and white tennis shoes with such sweetness and nerdiness. I was a little daunted by the long line outside the "Bing" theater on a cold October evening, not wanting to have to stand, as a pregnant lady, during the lecture. But I got a great seat in the balcony and settled down to hear my favorite travel guru talk about drugs. We watched a really cheesy infomercial-like film about decriminalizing marijuana, which featured Rick, of course, and it took all of my will-power to keep from giggling--the earnest looks on the actors'/audience members' faces, the clips from that 30's movie, Refer Madness, and a graphic of a spinning U.S. Constitution, which was written on--you guessed it--hemp paper! hurtling towards me on the screen. Wow! I think this film is online, if you really want to watch it (and giggle in the privacy of your own home).

But the best part was hearing Rick talk about the creative solutions to drug problems in Europe. He said a lot of public bathrooms in Zurich have blue lights, so drug addicts can't see their veins. He also said there are heroin maintenance clinics, where addicts can get their drugs safely and speak to a nurse or counselor at the same time. In France, apparently there are more boys than girls who use marijuana, because, the government thinks, boys are really afraid to talk to girls so they need something to relax them. The government decided to solve this problem by funding flirting seminars--to help boys hone their asking-out skills. 

He also used the word "shitfaced" when referring to the keggers that Scandinavian parents throw for their teenaged children about to graduate from high school (I wrote in my journal: I can't believe that R.S. just said "shitfaced"!).

I learned a lot--including that I love R.S. more than ever. He is really funny and intelligent in real life, a great speaker, and not a complete dork like he is on his show (but that's another reason why I love him). 

Here are some other notable quotes from his lecture:

"I try to find creative ways to get the word 'marijuana' in my guide books."

"There's nothing innovative about 'just say no.' 

(in reference to the 1980's war on drugs and the DARE program)

"Europe will be more fun without you."

(what R.S. thinks but doesn't say to an old man threatening to stop buying his guide books if he continues to support the legalization of marijuana).

I had to leave during the question and answer portion. The audience was filled with a combination of elderly folks interested in the medical uses of marijuana and a bunch of college-aged pot-heads who would go up to the microphone and, in that drug-induced stoner drawl, meander on an on about the merits of marijuana and how beautiful it is, etc. etc. The old people would start their diatribes with: "I have this problem with (fill in the blank some medical condition) and my doctor says (blah blah blah) and if I only had access to medical marijuana (etc.).....

And, of course he ended his talk with, "Happy Travels!" 

Turkey to-do list

Hello again.

I've decided to start posting again, because there have been some funny/interesting things that I've experienced lately and want to write about. Also, I'm dying to write about issues I've been having with piano lessons. However, right now I need to get to my Thanksgiving to-do list:

1. Make pumpkin pie.

2. Make porcini-onion stuffing.

3. Make citrus-shallot vinagrette for salad.

4. Wash dishes.

5. Vacuum floor.

6. Eat a Mozart marzipan.

The Weather Report from Spokane

Is it possible to tire of gorgeous 80-degree sunny weather? 

yes. 

I want to remember what rain is like.

Found Poem

tracks in snow
Boot prints, car prints,
cat prints--
animal and machine--
Crazy Jean
Asian girl
(angel?)
messenger?

(A list on a piece of paper in my handwriting found between the pages of Zilpha Keatley Snyder's The Headless Cupid. I have no idea what these things were referring to...).

Navigating the Imagination (and this blog post)

I have been super over-stimulated lately, and I think it's because of all these new things that have been coming into my life lately. For example:

1) We finally got a new (used) couch. Super cheap on craigslist and oh so comfy and huge--I couldn't believe it. I had no idea how immense modern furniture is. We've only had 1960's era thrift store couches, and to see this monster canvas slate blue sofa and chair makes me giggle and want to build a nice cozy blanket fort. The ottoman itself is about the same size as a child's single bed. All I want to do now is lounge around, writing on my Levenger lap desk and reading my amazing new Joseph Cornell book, which incidentally matches the sofa (thanks KW!!).

2) Lynda Roscoe Hartigan's Joseph Cornell: Navigating the Imagination, a gift that found its way on my doorstep on Monday. The paper Cornellian mountain on the cover reminds me of the mountains I see in the distance when I drive towards Coeur D'Alene, which makes me remember that I actually live by gorgeous rugged topography (I forget sometimes because I can't see them from my house). This book is truly amazing--I've only managed to read the first few pages, but already Hardigan is discussing the very issues that interest me most about Cornell: how his art was inspired by enchanted wanderings throughout Manhattan during the 20's-50's. Also, there are many photos and images of his older collage art from the 30's that I've never seen before.

I can't help but think of how I got interested in Cornell in the first place. It was during the J-term of 1998 when four of us girls (you know who you are!) took the train to Chicago from St. Paul--my first train ride and excursion to the windy city. All I remember of that trip is the drinking of wine coolers in our hotel room, smoking gold-filtered Fantasia Lights on the steps of the Art Institute by the bronze lions, drooling over a cute waiter at Bennigan's across the street, giggling at sailors (it felt just like a musical), admiring all the revolving doors downtown (even Walgreen's had one!), and discovering Cornell's art in the Surrealist wing of the Institute.

I was alone--I had wandered far from my friends, who were by that time waiting for me in the cafe downstairs. I remember I almost missed the Cornell exhibit--suffering from glazed-over gallery eye, I was halfway through it when I became aware of what I was looking at. It was a strange moment of awakening--like I had found something I had lost, and hadn't realized it was missing until I discovered it. His work was so small, like a whisper, that I felt like the first person to really see it. It seemed like suddenly all my wistful thoughts and longings had found a form, and that I was looking at mysterious objects not in a museum, but in a dusty attic in an old crumbling Victorian house. I was so excited about his work that as soon as we got back to St. Paul, I gushed to my art history professor that I felt like I finally found my calling--to be a Cornell scholar. Well, I'm not a J.C. scholar (yet) but this book makes the fourth book in my J.C. library, so I feel like an imaginary amateur DIY scholar....

Anyway, I can't wait to digest the rest of the book.

3) Speaking of books, I'm trying to get through Rohinton Mistry's A Fine Balance for book club, but the going is slow. I have no objection to the book per se, but so far only horrible, depressing things have happened, so I don't feel much drive to finish. The writing is nice and I'm learning a lot about the history of India during the 20th century through different character's eyes, but I'm a little bored with it to be perfectly honest.

Just finished the His Dark Materials trilogy. Loved it! I want more though. I feel like the last book ended with a big question mark. Won't see the movie because I've heard it just makes you mad if you've read the book.

4) Preparing the house's interiors for new wall paint. Finally! No more black trim in the bathroom (what kind of crazy person paints their bathroom black??).

5) New private piano students. Yay!

6) New music ideas: just got a new 3-octave synth that has lots of neat-o electronic sounds on it. I just have to figure out how it works....

7) A sad note: Zuzu got bitten by an aggressive dog at dog camp on Tuesday. She has some nasty, bloody wounds that the vet stitched up, so the poor baby has to wear a lampshade on her head. It's the saddest sight ever. I can tell she's starting to feel a little better though, because she wanted me to chase her around the backyard while she carried an ice chip in her mouth.

8) Spokane is finally awakening from a deep snow-induced slumber. Because S-town has practically no budget for snow removal, the streets were a mess for a whole two weeks, and lazy ass-faces did not even attempt to clear their sidewalks (except for us-- well K actually). Schools were canceled for a whole week the end of January. It was actually kind of fun to drive by Manito park and see the little puffy figures of kids in snow suits and moon boots sled down the hill. But now, it's gradually melting, and I feel my S.A.D. disappearing.

9) Cut off a few inches of shaggy hair (now I'm back to the flapper look); Found two gorgeous Banana Republic tops at a thrift store (one is silk cashmere!): two examples of how I'm gradually replacing the dumpy high-school look for a more 30-something wardrobe.

10) Taking piano lessons from a guy whose grandma played for silent films in the 20s in Seattle.

11) Feeling renewed from Christmas vacation in NE. It was the first time I've been home in 5 years (sad, isn't it?). I had a most lovely and amazing time. The highlights include: leisurely 3-hour reading marathons with brother H (he was in a Harry Potter frenzy; me in a Golden Compass one); all-day baking extravaganza on Christmas eve, listening to some good tunes, also with H; opening gifts with the family in our pajamas; hanging out in Mom's art room, typing away on my grandma's 1970s yellow electric typewriter; dancing to a live blues band with funny and tipsy stepfather in C-town (I swear the lead blues singer was Jeremy Irons); visiting my grandmas; dancing to Wham at a high school friend's party in Lincoln (and later discussing the merits of a McDonald's filet-o-fish), and playing Rock Band (the video game) at G and C's small mansion until 5 in the morning with old and dear friends.

12) Two friends having babies this spring. My babysitting services have been offered, and I'm picturing myself making them cute little homemade stuffed animals.

13) Check out my new links. I love the layout of Posy Gets Cozy. She's a crafter from Portland, OR, my most favoritist city ever.

(This long blog is what happens when you don't post for two months).

Last day of being 30 on November 30th

In a few minutes I'll be 31. Time to wake up!

Horrible excuses for not posting

I knew weekends would be a big black hole in terms of posting.....

But I wasn't lazy this past weekend--honest! Friday was spent on a day hike with some elementary kids (more about that later--there is just too much stuff to write about now); Saturday was spent getting a haircut, running errands, lalala, etc.; Sunday was spent entirely on grading elementary art projects (I had just been informed at 2pm by a teacher grades were due on Monday! Eeek! I had like 4 weeks of projects to grade) and TR band practice. Today was spent teaching art (a kindergarten boy came up to me and told me I had a "witch nose." But it was okay because his mom had one too. Aw, ain't that sweet?).

Tomorrow we leave early to drive to the Oregon Coast for our yearly (3-day) vacation spent at our favorite B&B. Then, we'll be spending two glorious days in Portland. I already have a big list of things to do there (go to arcade/bar in Chinatown to play vintage pinball; eat froot-loop doughnut at Voo-doo doughnut shop; buy Japanese stationery at Powells and check out haunted rare-book room; eat a lovely chocolate concoction called the Aphrodite at Pix Patisserie; shop at various vintage/used clothing stores; buy clogs? Write postcards at the Nob Hill Pharmacy cafe; get a tarot reading at New Renaissance Bookshop; etc.......).

I promise I will journal via the old-fashioned way and update when I return next week.

By the way, I'm curious what you thought of The Darjeeling Limited.

Orff Orgy

I'm sad that October is over; it's my favorite month. I spent every beautiful autumn day inside playing piano for Disney's! High! School! Musical! But, I actually had fun doing that, so I'm not complaining too much.

I like the first day of a new month. I feel like I can start over with new projects or goals, such as writing every day for this thing called NaBloPoMo or whatever the hell it's called. To kick off the new day, I spent about 30 minutes free-writing on my Hermes 3000 sea-green typewriter. That thing is so fun to play with that I get excited to write instead of scared. I love the way the letters thwack the page--it makes every letter and word seem really important, like it's followed by an exclamation point. The computer paper I'm using is so thin that the letters press through the page and make holes. Maybe this is a new art form (I thought of it first!).

My too-ambitious goals for November are:
*finish two short stories
*start making cool X-mas gifts
*use up the huge amount of cute Japanese stationery in my desk (beware: you might get a letter soon!)
*take voice lessons (I might sign up to direct another musical, so if I'm going to do more vocal coaching I need to know something about it.....haha I fooled the last people.....but I started running out of vocal warm-ups...I'm sick of that "who washed washington's underwear" thing...)
*Learn Debussy's piano Image Homage to Rameau.
*Become a student of rhythm (buy myself some drum sticks)
*Learn a few French phrases

Speaking of rhythm, I'm really obsessed with the White Rabbits. They played here a couple weeks ago at this little coffee shop/bar not too long after they played on Letterman. I don't think I've danced harder since 80's night at the Bricktop in Lincoln NE in August (in a bridesmaid dress). OMG (yes, I'm using a Millenial colloquiallism) it was one of the best rock shows I've seen. The band is made up of 6 (good-looking) guys wearing tweed blazers, skinny ties, sweater vests, and boat shoes (It was all very Columbia University, circa 1981). The 7th guy, dressed the same, but with very 80's, round tortoiseshell glasses videotapes the band while they play. There are two drum kits, each drummer playing different yet complimentary rhythms, while the other members play keys, beat on toms or the rims of toms, shake tambourines, play guitar, and bass. There are a lot of vocal harmonies too. They use a lot of David Bowie-dance and calypso- inspired rhythms, using claves and maracas. If it weren't for the gross couple dirty dancing in front of me I would say that was one of the most fun evenings I've had in a while. So, all I've been doing all month is listening to the WR, with some occasional Electrelane and Camera Obscura.

Last night, we saw Modest Mouse (yes, in Spokane! 'lil 'ol Spokane!). I have to say though, that the show was a bit of a disappointment. Once their roadies set up the stage, it took them about a half-hour to actually get their asses on stage and play. Then, they waited a good 15 minutes or so to come out for an encore. And, they also had the two-drum-kit set up, but it seemed as if both guys were playing the same thing. So, not as impressive as the WR. Also, it was hot and sticky and crowded, with people in costume (actually that was the highlight) and people pushing their way to the front and someone passing gas in front of us the whole time. I was wearing my ubiquitous blonde Andy Warhol/Menards guy/Phyllis Diller/Marilyn Monroe wig and tights. So I was suffering pretty badly, on top of standing for four hours on a belly full of spicy/creamy Indian food. Actually, dinner was the best part of last night, in addition to one of the opening bands, ManMan, which was a fun-percussive-Tom Waits meets the Muppets-Orff orgy of sound.

Until tomorrow--

The Moon is an Alien Pod

I'm so frustrated, where do I begin?

1. Subbing at a school makes me realize there are so many problems with school and that I have no power or credentials to fix them. And subbing is inherently flawed because you have no opportunity to form a relationship with the students or fellow teachers or parents. And teaching art for three hours one day a week with no art room (which means no sink, storage space for wet paintings, or money to buy new paint.....) is just crazy. They'd be better off just dropping the art program.

2. I feel like the victim of sexism, but I can't tell if I'm just lazy or it's sexism. Or a little bit of both. But let me tell you, sexism is alive and well if you want to be a woman composer, conductor, or jazz musician. And to be honest I'm sick of this male idea of music that has to be show-offy and loud for the sake of being show-offy and loud. I feel like I need to balance all this testosterone with a month in a convent in Italy. Or France. Someplace scenic and far away. I'd be interested in hearing if any of you out there have experienced sexism in the arts. Esp. music. I'll share my story more in-depth in a personal, bitchy letter.

3. The thought that I will be poor forever with no hope for savings or retirement because I chose a career in the arts and teaching fields.

4. I just got an email from the secretary of the ESD office here who said my certification for WA was pending because they don't accept faxed signatures. They want the goddamn originals. Why? What difference does it make? It's this miniscule buracracy bullshit that makes me not want to work in schools. Or other institutions/corporations. Ever.

On a positive note, the musical is going well; I'm actually enjoying playing piano for these super cheesy shows and little kids in the audience with all of their HSM paraphanalia: light up shoes! Lunch bags and backpacks! Pom poms!

Oh, and tonight at a party, this guy was telling me he believes human beings came from aliens who did genetic engineering experiments at the beginning of time to create the human race. And that the moon is really an alien pod where they live inside it and watch their human experiment from above. And that Noah's ark was really fully of animal DNA, not actual animals. It was all so entertaining!

Artistic Q-tips

No, I'm not bored at all......

Seriously, these q-tips fell on a towel and I liked they way they looked--sort of like an abstract dada piece. Sort of.

If you're back reading this, I've decided to start posting again after a long hiatus. I've been busy with:
1. graduating from grad school
2. going to pig roasts (ask me about this!)
3. playing ulimate frisbee (once)
4. driving to nebraska and back to dance in an orange bridesmaid dress at a club for 80's night and get beer spilled all over me, and eating a Jimmy Johns sandwich in the middle of UNL's sculpture garden at 3am with old friends who knew me when I was 15, while watching a tall guy climb a tree and almost fall down....
5. trying to find creative work that pays something and finding little gigs at local children's theatre and parochial school
6. reading everything Madeleine L'Engle wrote (I started this before she passed away, I swear! It was a strange sort of synchronicity.....)
7. playing in a rock band (and hosting a rock band in our house--they needed somewhere to stay for the night, so they slept on our hard, dog-fur covered floors and in the morning we fixed them eggs and bacon while their keyboardist played Chopin and Beethoven by memory on the upright. No, it wasn't surreal at all.....).
8. listening to Joni Mitchell's Hejira album obsessively and trying to play tunes on the guitar
9. hydro-seeding the backyard, building a tall wooden fence, putting in bark landscape borders and otherwise acting like old people, doing yard work on the weekends and going to bed by 10pm.
10. reading as much as I can find about Gabriele Munter

That's the general overview. Here is something to ponder:

*11 pairs of identical gray New Balance tennis shoes, in the same state of wear, the same size, placed on successive steps in a hidden, carpeted stairwell.

Amazing, isn't it? I actually saw it. Now use your imagination......

Just for fun

To take a break from the never-ending and tedious process of editing music and parts, I decided to pick out random books from my shelf and open them up to random pages to see where my eye fell, randomly. For fun. And because I'm bored.

"Rather than mouth 'some invented cliches' in place of a 'poetic' correspondence, she explained to Cornell that she preferred to stay silent. Even so, she remained close in his reverie, as he jotted in his diary in 1946: 'dream of D [orothea] in bare feet and saw-dust,' a notation cryptically appended to a reminder to write Ernst."
--from "Joseph Cornell: Gifts of Desire" by Dickran Tashjian.

"We've all heard that the unexamined life is not worth living, but consider too that the unlived life is not worth examining."
--from "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron

"Then Jesse saw something that made her pause. A light in the garden flickered in and out of the bushes. Someone was out there with a flashlight."
--from "Undercover Girl" by Christine Harris

"Ken looked up and was more frightened than ever. His father's face looked appalling. It was swollen out of all shape, one eye was closed by purple and black lumps above and below, and the white dressing on the cheekbone was surrounded by an inflamed, angry circle."
--from "My Friend Flicka" by Mary O'Hara

"Mr. Bigger frowned. 'Tell him to wait,' he said irritably. He coughed and turned back to the Lord of the Manor. 'If I had any capital to spare, I'd put it all into late Venetians. Every penny.'"
--from "The Portrait" by Aldous Huxley (from an issue of Cicada magazine, May/June 2004)

"After they had driven the counter girl into a state of despair, the children took their purchases and went for a walk along the main and only drag. They tried, as always, to peer into the frosted windows of the saloons to see what kind of degenerates were inside at one in the afternoon. As always, someone came by and scolded them for hanging around a saloon."
--from "An Occassional Cow" by Polly Horvath

"'If a kiss could be seen I think it would look like a violet,' said Priscilla."
--from "Anne of Avonlea" by L.M. Montgomery


"We now have an inkling of the unbelievable fertility of the universe, of the constant birthings of atoms and molecules, eggs and spermatozoa, of cells and living organisms in water and on land in this so-far-unique of all cosmic places, the Earth."
--from "Original Blessing" by Matthew Fox

"The writer Annie Dillard once observed that 'the way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives.' The way we live our lives also depends on the questions we ask."
--from "Callings" by Gregg Levoy

"Don't be afraid to answer the questions. You will find endless resources inside yourself. Writing is the act of burning through the fog in your mind. Don't carry the fog out on paper. Even if you are not sure of something, express it as though you know yourself. With this practice you eventually will."
--from "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg

"The function of descriptions in fiction is generally to deepen the illusion of person and place--to recreate their substance in the imagination of the reader, so that he is willing to believe he is in the presence of reality."
--from "Writing Fiction" by R. V. Cassill

"Yet there are thousands who have pondered the question of reality, and to the above statement their response might be, 'Not so fast!' Plato, remember, believed that only the Forms were real, because the Forms, being universal abstractions and never having had material substance, could therefore never change. Plato believed things that changed--the familiar world as well as the people in it--could not possess reality, because if they did, we would have to say that real things could come into and pass out of existence. How can they be real one minute and not real the next?"
--from "The Art of Being Human: the Humanities as a Technique for Living" by Richard Paul Janaro and Thelma C. Altshuler

"Physicists describe these two properties of physical laws--that they do not depend on when or where you use them--as symmetries of nature. By this usage physicists mean that nature treats every moment in time and every location in space identically--symmetrically--by ensuring that the same fundamental laws are in operation. Much in the same manner that they affect art and music, such symmetries are deeply satisfying; they highlight an order and a coherence in the workings of nature. The elegance of rich, complex, and diverse phenomena emerging from a simple set of universal laws is at least part of what physicists mean when they invoke the term 'beautiful.'"
--from "The Elegant Universe" by Brian Greene

what I've been doing lately

Highlights of the last few weeks:

1. We got to eat two Easter dinners! One monday night and one sunday afternoon: 2 hams, several deviled eggs, some with salmon and dill, asparagus, scalloped potatoes, roasted potatoes, creamed corn, green bean casserole, iceberg salad, buns, lime jello fluff, chocolate cake with purply tasting frosting, no-bake cheesecake with gingersnap crust, lots of wine, and a shot of Ukranian vodka. The sunday afternoon dinner was had with Nancy and Brian, after which we played a game of Pit and sat around watching Zuzu sniff around their lovely huge backyard and chew on a block of wood. The monday night feast was celebrated with oodles of people at Remi and Jen's condo, where we gorged on the above foods, which come to think of it, were very midwestern. Some of the guests had never heard of or seen creamed corn or jell-o fluff. Imagine!

2. On saturday, K and I worked (well K did most of the work--I helped) on the back patio. He rented a truck for the day and hauled several loads of gravel, sand, and mulch that went into beatifying our ugly, mostly dirt and weeds, backyard. The weather here was gorgeous: 62 degrees and sunny. I put a kerchief on my head, rolled up my short-sleeved tee-shirt so I wouldn't get a farmer's tan, and raked sand and shoveled mulch for a few hours. The experience was actually cathartic? I felt my brain relaxing while my muscles burned from repetitive shoveling and raking motions. It's exactly what I needed too--Do you ever notice that your brain hurts from thinking too much? I've been writing so much music that my head literally feels bruised and achey. It felt good to get dirty and sweaty and concentrate on physical tasks, which made me realize how separated I am from what my farming ancestors did everyday. I'm such a pathetic city girl that I have no idea where most grocery store food comes from, how to grow flowers in my backyard, or how to start a compost pile. My grandparents and great-grand parents would be ashamed! The best part about saturday was riding around in the pickup truck. We drove to K's coworker's house to haul some old wooden fencing away, in hopes we might use it for our own backyard (right now we have chain-link with white plastic slats. Ick!). I can seriously see why people buy trucks--you feel a sense of power being up that high and rocking out to the classic rock station (c'mon, you can't listen to NPR in a truck!). I haven't ridden in a truck since high school, or earlier (not counting the big fancy white truck my dad drives around). I used to ride in my cousins' truck on their farm in eastern NE, which smelled of shit and dirt and gasoline. Is it possible to miss smells like that?

3. A few weeks ago I played in my first rock show ever. I made my keyboard debut with the T.R.'s, which consists of friends of ours. It was a total blast. The venue was full of K's work people, so they helped out with the drunken screaming and clapping and dancing to our songs. I had always wanted to be in a rock band, and now I am! It's totally a just-for-fun band but we're going to try to play more shows this summer and fall. We're also looking for a key-tar, so if you see one, send it our way. That's the only thing the last show was missing.....

4. Books read: Jane Eyre, The Bone People by Keri Hulme (loved it!!!), and Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver (good! but a little preachy.). Want to start on the new Sherman Alexie novel, Flight, which is about a time-traveling Indian. We're going to see Alexie at The Bing on the 22nd. Can't wait!

5. I've been chained to my computer. The agony isn't over yet--I still have to finish a few things, edit everything, and edit parts (which is the most awful boring thing ever). Then comes finding people, rehearsing, and trying not to go crazy in the process. The first person to hand me a bottle of gin after my recital gets a gold medal.

(insert clever title here)

I know better than to do this but I spent all weekend engrossed in a very riveting 19th century novel: Jane Eyre. I was in a reading slump, having checked out numerous books at the library over the past few weeks but not feeling enchanted with any of them (except Kira Kira, by Cynthia Kadohata, which was beautiful but very depressing). I literally spent all of Saturday and Sunday on the couch with the Dover paperback edition in my hands and chips and salsa on the coffee table.

It's amazing that something written over 150 years ago can still be relevant and fun to read today. The storytelling was great, the prose flowery and old but not difficult to understand, and the characters very sympathetic and colorful. In other words, I totally loved it, and am looking forward to tracking down the Masterpiece Theatre DVD when it comes out (if it's not out already). I haven't read a really romantic story like that in ages, and it was very satisfying (if not bodice-ripping). In fact, the last "romantic" book I read (where you have to keep reading in order to find out if ill-fated lovers end up together in the end) was The Thorn Birds, which I read in the 8th grade over a period of about two days over Christmas break. It was a very steamy read and I always find it interesting that there are usually 10 or more copies at the Sister's annual book sale at CSC.

There's something to be said for cheesy romance novels, ones that are well-written anyway. I was able to escape my present life as a stressed-out graduate student and live the life of someone who could have been my great-great-great-great (great?) grandmother. Was this book considered high literature in its day? Or was this considered a Danielle Steelish novel of its time (I'm picturing victorian ladies pulling this book out of their embroidery bags and stealing a few forbidden moments with Mr. Rochester on the fainting couch).

Anyway, aside from wasting away a weekend reading, I've had a few celebrity encounters worth noting. A couple weeks ago Faith Ringgold came to our humble town and gave a lecture. It was wonderful and we snagged a few autographed posters afterwards. It seems that all famous artists dress the same--big chunky jewelry, drapey clothing, hair piled on top of their heads--but this look suited her, along with her big gold and black glasses.

Also, Libby Larsen came to our school as a guest composer and spent a day on Feb. 13th working with performers, giving a lecture, and talking with student composers, including little old me. I was fortunate enough to be able to accompany her (by myself!) to the student union to grab a coke and some snacks and really talk about music. The whole experience was truly amazing and surreal--the whole time I was thinking, "Libby Larsen is sitting directly across from me in the PUB and drinking a diet pepsi, among students milling about, eating tater tots, watching sports on the big t.v., and playing cheesy made-up new-agey songs on the piano downstairs in the lobby." Our conversation was amazing, and I would write it all down here, but there are too many wonderful things to say, so if you want to know more you must call or write. Suffice it to say, she is an amazing and energetic woman, who was neither condescending nor arrogant, and very friendly and eager to talk about my (and my fellow students') work. What I noticed most about her manner of speaking and her overall outlook and energy pertaining to art and music was this: where most people (including myself) question their artistic vision and say to themselves, "Oh, that's a stupid idea. It would be impossible to pull off," she says, "How much will it cost?" I thought that was the most amazing thing about her, and why she is a famous and successful composer. It never occurred to her not to do something.

One more thing: I added a new link to the right--Retro Research. Read it over the next few days because she will soon be abandoning her blog. I've always wanted to do something like this myself, and think that I might try a month-long internet/email/t.v. fast once I'm out of school.
Lately I've really been missing snail mail (I've lost some electronic letters because I've changed email addresses a few times in the past few years, and who thinks to print them out beforehand?). Also, I waste so much time on the internet and watching shows I don't even really like on t.v. Sigh.

A Valentine from Johnny Mathis

Last night K and I went to see Johnny Mathis. If you don't know who that is, shame on you! Actually, we were probably the only ones there under the age of 60. All the wives dragged their husbands to the concert and made them wear sweater vests and comb their hair. During intermission two older gentlemen in front of us stood up to stretch their legs and joked they were going to stand for the rest of the concert. "You wouldn't mind, would you?" they asked us in a cute charming old man way. One of them said, "My wife would just tell me to sit down and shut up." It was very cute, this dynamic between persons from this generation, who probably conceived children to Johnny Mathis' crooning in the 50's and 60's.

The concert was amazing. He came out in a black tuxedo with bowtie, and opened up with that song from Willy Wonka ("if you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it....."). It was just him and the stringy-haired balding conductor/pianist, who played a lovely loungey piano. Then he launched into a Mancini medley with the orchestra (all wearing white tuxedos and lit only by music stand lights), then a medley of his most popular songs, including Chances Are and Misty. When he started a familiar song, two little old ladies sitting in front of us gasped and clutched each other's hands as if they were recalling a lovely moment. Then people would clap. It was like being on a Christopher Guest PBS special, but in a good, warm fuzzy way. I was totally into it and clapped along with them.

Later he did a Brazilian medley (he was very fond of these medleys with one song bleeding into another) where he sang a few Jobim songs in Portuguese, and closed the show with Brazil--a very spiffy upbeat version where they had a backround track of voices and the conductor/pianist was conducting and blowing a whistle at the same time and the orchestra was playing behind them and there was a brilliant light show. He got a standing ovation and came out and did two encores. He was very cute and a little shy, and very friendly and classy when addressing the audience. His voice hasn't changed much since the 50's, except he can't reach the high notes as well as he used to. But he still looks the same--dark skinned with a halo of dark wavy hair. I loved it all. It was very romantic.

It was fun to listen to reactions after the concert:
"They don't sing romantic music like that anymore, where you can understand the words."
"He still has all his hair."
"Isn't he in his 70's?"
"Unforgettable."
"Phenomenal.
"He's so elegant."

I first heard of Johnny when I was in high school. My favorite movie back then was "Chances Are," in which Robert Downey Jr. played Cybil Shepherd's reincarnated husband. In the movie, Cybil's character loves to listen to Johnny Mathis, so after I saw it, I rushed out to Wal-Mart and bought a casstte tape of his greatest hits, which included a disco version of "Begin the Beguine," and other sexy songs, one of which was called, "It doesn't have to hurt everytime."
(I regret to say, Kelly, that he did not sing this song). So started my obsession. Two summers ago I found a double-record set of his greatest hits from the 60's at this great record store that has since gone out of business. That July of 2005, I played it on our portable record player while my mom, aunt, Kelly, K and I sat on our porch drinking whiskey sours and Kokanees. I'll never forget Aunt Cookie swilling a beer and looking (mistily) off into the distance, saying, "This music just sends me......."

new year, new things

I finally feel like I have some free time, since my load has lightened quite a bit. I'm only taking one class this quarter, which is a non-required class, and the rest of the week I'm teaching three students piano lessons, working one day a week at my retail job, and trying to compose and practice so I can graduate this June. However, I haven't been very productive so far this year in my creative work, which is no big surprise. I sleep in, laze around for awhile, eat lunch, then have to go off to work or class or lessons in the afternoon. To remedy this problem, I just found a new book that I am hoping will get me out of my procrastination habits. It's called The Now Habit, and so far, it's really great. It explains why people have a tendency to procrastinate on certain things, and methods for being more productive. I really only have three months to write some music for my recital, so I better get crackin' on these methods.

Other than trying to overcome procrastination for my new year's resolution, I'm also trying to get back into shape. I'm taking a beginning yoga class, which has been wonderful so far, but it's making me really sore. Everytime I go to class, I get the urge to move my body more, to take some dance classes again. I can't believe I have been putting off movement for so long. I feel so great after class, and I think it helps with anxiety/depression issues. So I think I might sign up for a dance class or try to do some swimming. I've also been rollerskating with some friends who are whizzes on the rink. They can skate backwards and do the limbo. This friday we're going again, for a benefit for the Lilac City Rollergirls--our very own rollergirl team. I'm half-tempted to join them, but I'm such a wuss--I worry about falling and breaking limbs and fingers.

As far as books go, I just finished The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. I really really liked it. It appealed to that side of me that loves historical mysteries and Eastern European folklore. I'm trying to find another good read, but it's so hard to find something after you've read a really great book. I did pick up the new short story collection by Haruki Murakami, which I'm really excited about. I'm also in my Nancy Drew phase again (happens every couple months) where I reread ones I've forgotten about. My collection is almost complete--I'm only missing a few volumes. The bookstore downtown has some used Tom Swift books--maybe I need to start a new collection.

Things I want to accomplish this year:
1. Be able to do the splits (and be in better health, in general)
2. Do some house repairs: paint, garden, new pictures for the walls, new couch....
3. My recital!!
4. Be able to play some polkas and waltzes on the accordion
5. Write some short stories
6. Do some crafting/art: Shibori? Leather tooling? Photography? Painting? Tatting?
7. Get really great at baking bread
8. Write letters! (hopefully on a vintage secretary desk I haven't found yet)
9. Read some of the classics
10. Explore some new places (small towns in NE and WA, Europe?)